Up yours, Spartan

Up yours, Spartan

Spartan Government Warning: Spoilers may be dangerous to your knees. Walang luluhod. Nakamamatay.

300

Mixed reviews. Rants. Raves. “They’re gay!” comments. Asinine takes. Scholarly takes. Blabber all you want, I loved 300. But don’t expect a lengthy review with this one. Just some things I’d like to say about the film.

Forget historical inaccuracies, loyalty to the graphic novel, and characterization. If you worry too much about those, 300 will bore you to death. It’d be nothing more than a yellowish string of gory pictures and ripped muscles. Oh and some deformed debauchery. And yes, some female nipples too. To those who hated it, I perfectly understand. To those who loved it (like I did), likewise.

Pecs and Abs
Pecs and abs galore! Yumeeeh!

So it’s a very loose adaptation of the Frank Miller’s graphic novel which is also loosely (bacon brief garter loose) based on the historical Battle of Thermopylae (Hot Gates) where 300 Spartans led the Greek defense against the invading Persian army. So as far as bases go, it’s so loose, it’s like having your underwear slide down to your ankles.

This is Sparta
Now this is Spartan reserve.

The only tight thing about this is the visual rendering. It’s an injustice how the director, Zack Snyder, is getting all the flak about how the Persians were deformed and how gay the scenes were. Go read Frank Miller and you’ll know what I’m writing about.

Ephialtes is a lucky orc
Ephialtes is a lucky orc.

Still, 300 is a visual treat more than anything. Take a graphic novel, frames, illustrations and colors, make them move. That’s 300. Forget about that weird Ang Lee take on the Hulk, it’s 300 that did the job. The visuals (the use of digital backdrop) and tons of filters made the film a very crisp visual treat. Great effects (Wow, was that limb?). Great choreography. Though it could’ve done away with the slo-mo overkill.

300 - Comic vs. Film
So how’s this for a film rendering?

There were also parts of the graphic novel that weren’t in the movie like this panel that could’ve made the movie gayer.

Spartan back massage
Spartans on back massage: “Are you getting tired, Spartan?”

For hot blooded men, it was a treat seeing Queen Gorgo’s and the oracle’s luscious breasts in the midst of ripped male abdomen (and those gay moments).

Queen Gorgo
Good thing Lena Heady was a lot hotter than this!

The digital backdrop and yellow tones really emphasized the visuals. They also did a great job on the the other effects.

300 - Rider Chop
Stelios is the Greek Kamen Rider!
Eliphants
Don’t forget the Oliphaunts! Hey, this isn’t LOTR!
Leonidas
Tuuuwaaaaad!
Incoming arrows
Ilan yan, ‘pre?

A few interesting points (Spoiler alert!):

  • Stelios ends up as the Legolas-type character. Astig and fafable. His character’s referred to as “Stumblios” in the graphic novel (Guess why).
  • Gerard Butler (Leonidas) took up law. But you don’t scream that much in court right?
  • Rodrigo Santoro (Xerxes) played Carl in Love Actually. But we love his Bella Flores brows as Xerxes.
  • You get to see an insanely ripped Faramir in David Wenham as Delios
  • The film should’ve featured a “kill counter.” Ayan, 297… 296… 295…
  • Delios shouldn’t be counted so logic says only 299 Spartans died. And I thought Greeks were good in Math (Damn you Archimedes, and Pythagoras, and Euclid…!). Oh well maybe because Spartans aren’t boy-lovers.
  • I used to own a Spartan-brand tsinelas back in the day. Ha!

Anyway, there you go. A simple take from an obvious fanboy (to the film and graphic novel damnit! Not the abs and pecs!). This classifies as a must buy when the original DVD comes out.

No laser beams
No laser beams. Laser beams, nakamamatay.

Author: Alex

After working as a corporate monkey for two years, he broke free, settling for a sedentary life as a problogger and web content consultant. He spends most of his waking hours in a zoo in hopes of getting back to his roots somewhere in the jungle. For more about Alex, visit The Construct by Alex Maximo

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8 Comments

  1. And I just found out this morning that the New Persia *coughIcoughRANcough* is very very angry about the portrayal of their ancestors in the movie. *sigh*

    Can I post links to 300 Macros now? [LINK]

    Thank you!

    *skips away*

  2. I used to own a Spartan tsinelas too. 😀

  3. Pwet! I’m seeing more Kanji than I ever did than when I was translating. Heniwei, tonight… we dine in hell! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    We’re eating brain stew – mine!

  4. well, my twin sis and sis-in-law watched 300 with their boyfriend and husband, respectively…and they said it lacks some “kwento” to it. haller?! hehehehe^__^V

  5. Kwento?! Kwento?!?

    This. Is. Movies!!!

    *gets hit by a spear*

  6. Tuwad, Spartan! Tuwaaaaad!

  7. Good review, Lex! Totally agree with you on Stelios vs. Legolas. I went out of the movie house thinking, “Um, napanis yata si Legolas.” ^_^

    If they added a kill counter, that would be too much like LOTR already, so I guess they didn’t. Tama na yung Oliphaunts. LOL. Ang masasabi ko lang (after choking on my popcorn for all the gay moments), the cinematography rocks. 🙂

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